tik tok escapism

is the amount of tik tok i'm watching escapism?

i'm recently moved to nyc and i still have been watching a lot of tik tok. i told myself an hour ago that I wouldn't watch any social media today and focus on either learning to build out the website, check out new parts of the city, or film ideas for youtube. but i find myself lying here on my phone.

i haven't been reaching out to people. I haven't been talking to strangers. I think about it. I compliment them in my head, but i let things pass by. the truth is because I'm scared of rejection, even in the smallest of instances. I'm scared to be judged, even when I'm being friendly. The fear is holding me back.

It's hard to be honest with myself about these things. I want to be perfect and well rounded, so I deny the parts I need to work on. I lie to myself about not needing to talk to people or make new friends. I've moved to a new city and made no new friends. except my two roommates and jeremy's friends, but not really on my own.

but i want to write this with real blog and website expressing the real me and being vulnerable. i want to be that well rounded person who does everything right, but i can't be that person if I'm hiding behind lies and ego. I have to be forward and human about these feelings, face my fears, and get past them. that's what i came here for :)